Irritation
by ChiefPam
Summary: One-shot. My take on what Vincent was thinking during "Kidnapped" and maybe why he did what he did. Spoilers! for S02E02. Sort of a continuation of "Distraction". **Consolidated w/other stories in "Emotional States"


Irritation

by ChiefPam

_(My theory of Vincent's POV during S02E02 "Kidnapped". It stands alone but can also be read as a sequel to my earlier story Distraction, which covered S02E01.)_

* * *

I'm standing on Catherine's rooftop for the second time, waiting to see if she responds to my note, and I'm beyond distracted. I knew it would be a bad idea to see her again. I knew I shouldn't have shown up on her roof the first time. I definitely shouldn't have taken her to my place. She suggested that I heard the guards and panicked, but that wasn't it. I could have laid her down on the ground for them to find. I could have dropped her off somewhere in the city - just left her safe in her car until she came to and could take herself home. Honestly, I had lots of options, but I chose to bring her back with me. I didn't want to leave her.

She fascinates me, makes me feel things. Which is not safe for either of us, but she's not easily deterred. I want to know more about her, to get to know her. Again. Apparently I liked what I knew, before. It's undeniable that she liked… okay, loved me. I have no concrete proof that I ever even knew her before, but the way she reacts to me … the things she knows about what I am and what I can do ... She knows me.

It was seductive. She trusted me. Even after what I'd done. When she'd first come to, she hadn't known where she was, or who was around. That had scared her a little. Her heartbeat was a little too fast, her breathing just a little too shallow. Even before she woke up, her heartbeat was demanding my attention. But when she heard my voice, she calmed down. And distracted me further as she proceeded to talk herself out of the blindfold and the ropes.

It was… fun, I guess… hearing her tell our story. Letting myself relax and joke around with someone. Not be so serious. Letting myself believe, for a little while, that a normal relationship was possible for me. Not that it had been all that normal, according to her, but she wasn't complaining. Just like she didn't seem to mind my beastly side.

After that kiss the other night, I'd been wanting another one. Craving, more like. Just to see if another kiss would be as sweet as the first one. So I asked about our first kiss. Not subtle, but it didn't have to go anywhere if she didn't want it to. She wanted it to, and it felt just as good. Maybe better.

I wasn't really expecting anything more; she's the one who took it to a higher level. And the sex … well, it was good. Really good. In fact, I'm starting to see what "borderline epic" means. I felt so amazing afterwards - completed, connected, peaceful. Happy.

At least until the alarm went off and I remembered that I had a job to do. A job that Catherine very nearly managed to mess up for me. I'm annoyed that she figured out where I was, and irritated that she felt it necessary to come after me.. But mostly, I'm mad at myself for letting her distract me. I heard her heartbeat, and deserted my assignment. That girl had been safer at the bar with her friends than in the VIP lounge alone. I was able to get back in time and complete the mission, but it was a lot closer than it should have been.

Much as I'd like to blame her, though, this wasn't like the last time, in the lab. Then, I'd needed to save her life. She had been in no danger tonight, and I still deserted my post to go see her. I mean, sure, I was pissed at her for being there, but that shouldn't have affected me like that. I allowed her to interfere.

And now she knows that there are other ... genetically-modified freaks out there. Which is exactly what we were trying to keep under wraps. To make things worse, she's a police officer - and now she knows where I live. She said she wanted to protect me, but there's got to be a limit. How many more things could I screw up in a few short hours? What a mess.

It occurred to me later that I could have killed her, to keep that news from spreading. To contain the damage and limit the total number of casualties. But… no. I just can't. It was unthinkable then and it's unthinkable now.

I'm tempted to cover that up in my report. Not to protect myself from reprimand; I deserve that. But just in case they want to take some sort of action against her. I'll have to see how that plays out. Maybe keep an eye on her. That doesn't have to involve picnics on her roof.

Then again, maybe it could.

* * *

God, I wish I hadn't tried meeting her again. I hurt her. I over-reacted, lost control, and she got hurt. Nothing serious, no broken bones… but it shook her, and I could tell from her eyes that her trust in me was badly damaged. She'd said, several times, "I know that you'd never hurt me" but what did I do? I hurt her. I'll never forgive myself for that.

I was irritated with her, but that's no excuse for what I did. It's not her fault that I couldn't keep myself under better control. I want to apologize but I don't trust myself. I hope she knows it wasn't on purpose. I never wanted to hurt her. Never. Something about her just chips away at my self-control.

I need to stay away from her now, for real. Not even keeping tabs from a distance; that's too dangerous. Focus on the mission, get the job done. That's much more important than any one person. I shouldn't have let her get to me. I'm going to have to assume that she won't even be trying to protect me anymore.

It was just that she'd kept pushing me. Every time something happened, she'd look at me hopefully, asking if I remembered anything. Every time, I'd have to say no and she'd be disappointed. Eventually it started to sink in - she doesn't want me. She wants him, the guy I used to be. The guy I don't remember, in the life I left behind. I finally realized that she's just putting up with me, trying to find him.

That was when I snapped.

On top of everything else, now I'm ashamed about what we did earlier, on the boat. Of what I did, to her. I took advantage of her, and I'd wanted to do it again. I was even willing to dangle the suggestion that maybe one more time would unlock those memories she's searching for so desperately. To find the man she wants - instead of the man she was with.

No more. I have to stay away, for both our sakes.

I knew it wasn't real. I knew it couldn't last. I just didn't think it would hurt so much to lose it..

The End

(until the next episode!)


End file.
